It was at that moment that I realized the source of my ailments. It was not cancer, despite all the times I joked about having it. It wasn’t the food I was eating or lack thereof, though I’m sure that I could have a healthier diet. The reason my health is deteriorating and why I feel so depressed is myself. I choose how I want to feel. I forget how much control I actually have over my own life. I’ve been waddling in my own self-pity. I defeated myself before I gave myself a chance in life. I can choose to enjoy certain aspects of my life. I can choose my outlook and how I perceive certain things.
Sure I have tests and midterms coming up. I can stress and say I don’t have a chance, skip class, not study and over all just end up failing before I even take the test. How’s that for self-defeating? In the end I will end up failing and I would get what I wanted, more self-pity. Maybe, if I get lucky, I can get other people to pity me. Maybe I’ll even end up in a low grade depression with my self esteem suffering due to the consequences of my actions. I would end up dropping out happily. I wouldn’t have any expectations placed on me and I would be happy because that means I would never have to face adversity again.
I can see it all happening. This is the path I’m walking down. I know how it will turn out. That being said, this is not the path I have to choose. I can put forth the effort. I don’t have to give up every time I’m faced with a challenge. I don’t have sleep all day and skip class just because deep down inside I don’t want to go to school, not because I don’t want to learn but because I don’t want to face any adversity. It is time for me to realize that it all comes down to me now.
If I fail it affects me the most. I am not doing this to make my mother proud. I am not doing this because this is what society asks from its youth. I am doing this because I want to succeed and, dare I say it, excel.
In the end I am the only one that gets to decide whether I want to succeed or fail. It all comes down to me.